Here are my predictions for each team:
Phillies: Halladay and Lee conspire to make ambidextrious clone of themselves to take 5th starter's slot. Opponents can't handle the extreme platooning they have to employ. Clone only can smile with right side of mouth.
Braves: Chipper Jones and Freddie Freeman start co-hosting Thursday night icebreakers. Jurrjens gets upset when he finds out pitchers have to sing to get in.
Mets: Jose Reyes signs new contract that gives him operating control of the team for 2012-2013. His first orders of business are to have the knuckleball taught by RA Dickey to all the pitchers and to institute a long hair only policy.
Nationals: Jordan Zimmermann and Ryan Zimmerman reveal they are cousins. No one is fooled.
Marlins: Jack McKeon is not fired. He gives cigars to players for each great defensive play.
Brewers: Zack Greinke counsels Rickie Weeks about the booing at the Home Run Derby. His advice...be happy you were noticed.
Cardinals: It is revealed Albert Pujols used the little known remedy known as Skele-Gro to heal his wrist. This remedy was first used by Madam Pomfrey.
Pirates: Kevin Correia/20 wins/pandemonium.
Reds: Joey Votto becomes a starting pitcher because he decides that he can throw harder than the present pitching staff. He goes 5-1 in September.
Cubs: Wrigley Field entire playing surface becomes soaked with beer when all the fans fill a giant bowl in the right field bleachers and express their dissatisfaction with the season.
Astros: Michael Bourn becomes bored with stealing bases one at a time and attempts to go from 1st to home on one play.
Giants: Tim Lincecum grows a beard, dyes it blond, and goes on tour with Green Day. Brian Wilson is jealous.
Diamondbacks: Mark Grace wins one race of the giant 2001 racing Diamondbacks. It could happen!
Rockies: Troy Tulowitzki encourages Ubaldo Jimenez to grow a mullet. Ubaldo balks and cuts off Tulowitzki's.
Dodgers: Frank McCourt in the news....that is all, the rest is gravy.
Padres: Fences are moved in 10 feet in the alleys when the Padres come to bat. This can happen when secret controls are installed in owner's box. No one notices because hologram is used for previous wall location.
How well do you think these predictions will hold up?